Hopelessly Wishful

Fri, 12 May 2006 03:23:01 GMT

Minutes flop by with no reguard to my limited interest. It's been 10:11 for about an hour now. Two more to go, staring up a winding staircase thinking of vertigo. I won't get much sleep tonight. But that's not new. I'll beat my average 5 hours I hope. I think I'll go to Waffle House for breakfast and coffee before the 4 and a half hour trip. I move about six thousand times in the next year. I'm tired of packing. I feel so closterphobic. Sitting in a closed off area behind an intimidating counterspace, DEAD silence and no one around. I can't listen to music, typing makes my fingers frozen, and reading makes me doze. I realize that I complain a lot. I wish I didn't so much. It just kind of ends up that way. I'm a very happy person though. Besides my lathargic boredom, I'm estatic. Change is happening. I see a blue streak up ahead, symbolic of the next few months. I'm excited, and all too tired of updating this rarely used journal.

But I have learned much over the last week of my Spring Semester. I've learned that scholarships are as hard to keep as they are to get. Stress collects itself to hit you all at once. Waffle House is a haven. Sleep is easily replaced with a latte. Scan-trons mock you. Libraries are stereotyped as boring for a damn good reason. A dorm room can hold a lot more than you'd think. My car can't hold as much as I'd like. Gas prices are high - but I have to drive 7 and a half hours nonetheless. Taxes kill minimum wage. Rationality kills us all.

Fri, 07 Apr 2006 04:31:29 GMT

I got dressed up today. Dress pants, simple white tank, long necklace, earrings, HEELS...the whole deal. I had a job interview. It went wonderfully. The shoes were cutting into my feet, but I felt so fantastic the whole day that, it really didn't matter. I just put on my headphones, jammed out to Lucero, and took the long way to class.

It did start to rain, which made the already difficult task of walking in heels even harder. I probably looked like a flamingo or something, but that's ok.

If I get this job I'll have a desk. I'm going to bring in cute pictures and comic strips to hang by my computer. Then, I'll get dressed nice all the time, and carry a fancy shoulder bag, and paint my nails red, and feel like I have my own little space away from my dorm little space.

Speaking of space, I'm hunting for an apartment. Not easy. Either the rent is too high, or it can't be furnished, or the lease won't work.

I realized today how unhealthy I am. I hardly EVER work out anymore. It's not like I'm fat or in need of burning off some calories, but I would like to be healthier. I mean, right now I'm currently consuming an entire bag of Cheetos...the twisted kind (yum). I did have some juice though, oh! And I had two salads today. I don't drink soda or anything but water, milk, and juice. But I don't walk up the hill anymore, but ride the bus instead. I think I should go running. But it's been raining and I'm lazy. I think instead I'll turn on some Elliott Smith, eat the rest of these here (hick-talk) cheetos, and read my new David Sedaris book. That may not be healthy, but it's much more appealing that getting out and doing something with myself.

I have a collage of a tree on my wall that I never finished. I think it's kind of cool though.

I realized that I've been spelling 'gracias' wrong for a long time now. Dang Emily kept distracting me in Spanish for the two years I took it. But hey, that's ok. In a year from now I'll be semi-fluent in Arabic. And, in a year from now, I'll be packing for Egypt. Then, after that, I don't know. I could die, but it'll be fine since I made it to Egypt. Woo.

Wed, 29 Mar 2006 17:13:15 GMT

I just finished Yann Martel's "Life of Pi." It was fantastic beyond words. I finished it in less than a week, and for such a slow reader like me, that's lightning fast. Yesterday I was abour fourty pages from the conclusion and decided to take the Green Reduced bus down the hill. I figured it would give me time to finish. Well, about about a half hour of sitting alone in the bus depot, I realized with the help of some friends I ran into, that the bloody bus stopped running. Well hell. So, I sat there for another half hour by myself to finish. Afterward, I was struck with such a...how do I describe it? I felt empty yet overfilled. I felt confused and excited. Most of all, I felt like I had just read a wonderful book. I would recommend it to anyone. But, once they finish they MUST call and discuss its shocking ending with me.

I had a terrible calf-cramp last night. I woke up from it, and couldn't understand in my sleepy-state what the heck was hurting so badly. I tried to rub it out, but I was half-asleep and couldn't comprehend anything. I finally stood on it until it stopped. Then, at 5AM I got a call from someone who will soon be dead. No matter how cool those shades were that I snatched...calling that early (two hours after I hit the perverbial hay) is just mean and deserves the ultimate capital punishment. Retribution will be given.

Timing is Always Off, Despite Our Likeness...Sad day for me

Fri, 17 Mar 2006 03:20:56 GMT

I enjoy wearing skirts. A lot, in fact. It spices the world of blue jeans all the way to the world of brown corduroy. I also enjoy listening to my head phones while on campus. And, when I really want to glide through the world without actually being a part of it, I take off my glasses and let everyone's face morph into a monotomous blur, not unlike reality but I guess it seems more apparent.

My favorite thing in the world is looking at the world at night without my glasses. The sharp reality fades into a fuzzy, blended pointillism-like piece of work. I have found, however, that despite its addictive beauty, I should not drive at night with my glasses off. I can't see a dang thing, and am usually so fascinated with the lights that I don't pay attention to anything else anyway. It's tempting nonetheless. I'm thankful God blessed me with poor eye-sight. People with "perfect" vision can never enjoy the night lights and I can never begin to do them justice in my description.

Sure, I'm anti-social. But I don't see why that's always such a negative title. I mean, I'm happy. Why does society want me to be with people all the time? I love walking around with my headphones on; having the ability to blend into the woodwork and have no attention drawn to myself. I wouldn't do this if I didn't want to, "besides...all I had to do was remove my headphones and participate in what is known as 'real life,' a concept as uninviting as a shampoo cocktail" (David Sedaris - Me Talk Pretty One Day).

Oh, spelling never counts...fyi

Sun, 12 Feb 2006 07:22:22 GMT

It's funny the small things you remember from your childhood, the select few, seemingly meaningless, memories of a time gone by. What's even funnier is how they are so easily forgotten, and so easily retrieved. A small thing, a smell or taste, a picture or just a nasalgic feel of forget. I remember the first horror movie I've ever seen. I don't remember how old I was, or even where on the globe I was, but those are not the important parts. I remember watching "The Fly" and being strangely attracted to the dark mystery and the terrifying conclusion. That night I remember having terrible nightmares, and crawling into bed with my parents in tears. Their explanation, and the feel of their sheets and gentle reasurance is the important part: "It's just people in halloween costumes." I must have been no older than five, and yet this is one of the strongest memories from my childhood. Stronger than seeing the Berlin Wall come down, stronger even than the numerous moves from state to state and country to country. I remember the important things, things that pictures or stories can't describe or explain. I remember the gummy worms across the busy highway in Germany. I remember the line outside of Smurf-Land in France. I remember the first song I've ever heard. The tree outside my room when I was three, stealing a ring in kindergarden, scraping my knee but having so much fun, that I didn't care, the first time I went solo on a swing, learning about 'opposite day' from my sister at the bottom of the spiral staircase at my home in Fintherlaunstrasa, Germany (spelling doesn't count), and of course, I remember getting my first 'below average' score on the spelling section on a test in the third grade. I remember the important things. My brain can't hold all the seconds of my life, so it acts as a filter, remembering only what matters.

Thu, 02 Feb 2006 05:20:32 GMT

"There was the day, the day, but a whirl of dark smoke rose and covered it, crept up and over into the bright field where everything was planted so carefully in orderly rows. That was hell, she knew hell when she saw it. For sixty years she had prayed against remembering him and against losing her soul in the deep pit of hell, and now the things were mingled in one and the thought of him was a smoky cloud from hell that moved and crept in her head.."
-Katherine Anne Porter

This semester I've learned a very important thing that I've tried to deny the past 19 years. People don't have a basic good. No basic sense of right and wrong. They will go out of their way to hurt another. They are self-seeking and more than willing to sacrifice another. Words are empty and trust is foolish. People will say and do anything for their own gain. As long as they get what they want, to hell with everyone else. We have fallen a long way from creation. Women are sluts and men only see sex. Men can "love" someone, but will sacrifice that "love" (haha) for a some play by a woman who has no respect for herself or her body. It's shameful. It's hurtful. It's more real that I'd like to pretend. Humans have no remorse. They don't feel the hurt they inflict. Momentary pleasure is worth more than "love" (whatever the hell that is). I will put on a blindfold, I will pretend I am somewhere else, until I am. I will leave, I will get to Egypt. I will stay there. I will be happy knowing that I will never have to come back. I will be happy in knowing the only place you will see me again is while watching the news. You will see me in D.C. You will see me in Iraq. You will see me where I belong, anywhere but here. I should not have torn up that letter. All that I want is for you to feel the pain you inflicted upon me. All that I want is for you to realize the mistake you have made. You will realize it. You always do.

Mon, 03 Oct 2005 06:22:21 GMT

I've decided that people suck. Well, a lot of people suck. Most people. But anyway.. school is going good I guess. Not downloading music is killing me. Megan and I have to drive to Panara Bread for their wireless to download the essentials. We went tonight after I went running. I ate a bunch of peanut butter. Later, I read the nutritional facts and two tablespoons has 190 calories. I probably ate about 10 tablespoons, so yeah, freshman fifteen. Actually, I found out that I lost 4lbs. That sucks. No matter what I eat I lose it because of that dang hill I have to walk up everyday. But, I need some sleep.

P.S. Megan is playing old episodes of Madeline....kill me.

Fri, 23 Sep 2005 05:57:10 GMT

The Bravery concert was incredible. I must say, however, that Maximo Park stole the show. People in Planes was very good as well. Here are some pictures:

Sun, 28 Aug 2005 22:50:22 GMT

I start my second week of classes tomorrow. So far I'm only a little bit stressed (Geology...). I sent a letter today. I feel a lot better about it now. Usually I write letters to people being completely honest but I never send them. I just do it for myself. But this time I figured I'd share some enlightenment to someone who really needs to hear it. There really isn't anything going on right now. Colin is coming this weekend and I'm very excited about that. There's a game but I probably won't go. I'll go to the one the week after. Then, the next week, I'm finally going home. I miss my cat! My dad was talking to me on the phone and Kayanne heard my voice and started jumping up on his lap trying to get close to the phone. She's my baby!!

Sat, 20 Aug 2005 17:15:11 GMT

I don't know, just saw some relation between my breakfast and the ceiling...

Fri, 12 Aug 2005 03:23:18 GMT

Well, only a week before I move in at Fayetteville. I started packing everything up. It's going to be hard throwing so much away. The day before I move in I'm going to Six Flags with Emily. I'm excited about that. My last day working at the Red Fern was the 6th. It was a good job but I'm glad I don't have to do it anymore. They did offer me a job when I'm home, though. So I guess I'll work when I'm back for Christmas break and next summer. But the last weeks have been bittersweet. Mostly bitter actually. It's scary how people can let you down and disappoint you. I've been wanting to listen to Dashboard lately if that says anything! But once I leave I won't have to deal with any of it anymore. Don't get me wrong, I'm going to miss my friends a lot. But I've realized that the number of friends I have in Mountain Home is less than I expected to miss. Anyway, Emily's sister has the same locker I had at ol' MHHS. I thought that was kind of neat.

Tue, 02 Aug 2005 07:18:08 GMT

This summer has been so boring! I don't even have anything to say in this update! Hmm.. well, here's some of my boring life:

Monday (my day off):
-get out of bed around, oh...1:00ish
-walk, that's right, WALK to Hastings
-realize that I'm an idiot, call Emily to pick me up
-meet Emily and Dustin
-go eat
-watch TV
-beat up Dustin
-take a shower, take a nap
-watch people eat at Blossom
-hang out in a parking lot with Seth, Dustin, & Diana
-sit at my computer

From here it's all guessing. I think I'll talk on MSN for a while, then go to bed. Yeah, my life is pretty sad..

Wed, 27 Jul 2005 03:36:29 GMT

Work sucks...a lot.

Tue, 19 Jul 2005 05:27:16 GMT

Today was a good day. I'm starting to really love Mondays (it's the only day I have off work). I woke up early to go to the firing range to fire a gun for the first time. I really stunk at it, but it was a lot of fun. My dad was so nervous, me having a gun and all. But it was just a really good time. Then I came home and fell asleep for a few hours. Then...I FINALLY got to see "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory". I really enjoyed it. I was the only one laughing most of the time though... but that's ok! It was great. I was a little disappointed with the umpa-lumpas, but I was really happy with everything else. I love how they explained more of the back story. Tim Burton took it farther than the original. I want to read the book, but I say that about a lot of book and never get around to actually doing it. I saw another trailer for "The Corpse Bride" today, and dang..I'm really excited. Well, I doubt tomorrow will be as good as today (I have to work) but I'll keep my hopes up.

Wed, 13 Jul 2005 01:15:11 GMT

Not much is new, Seth beat me at chess...er. Rematch tomorrow. At least I can beat him up, he's a gimp. I've been playing with my new camera a lot. Work sucked today. It seems like everyone is having their wisdom teeth taken out in the next month. Bryan has his tomorrow, Cole on Friday, and Emily in August. Emily ditched me to go to Kansas. She thinks she got out of going to see "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" with me...but she's wrong! I'll see it, hopefully, Friday when it comes out. But that depends on how late I have to stay at the fern. If I can't see it Friday, then I'll go later when Emily gets back, wohahaha.

I went to the lake on Sunday after work to go swimming. We were finished with swimming and ready to go pick up Colin when his older brother drove by on his, well let's just say "vintage", boat. We were stuck in the lake until a ranger drove by and, of course, it was Coach Paden. They towed us back to the dock where I got pushed in with all my clothes on. Well, here are some pictures I took with Seth, Dustin, and Diana...

That's why Seth is a gimp.

Sun, 10 Jul 2005 05:07:21 GMT

I went back to the high school to pick up my diploma. It was weird being back there, kind of got the shivers. But....ta da!

Thu, 07 Jul 2005 02:39:43 GMT

hm, what to say? I ordered my digital camera (finally) and it should be in later this week. I got a 128mb memory stick with it. Anyone who knows about that kind of stuff: how much is that? I feel like I live at the Red Fern now. And days like today make me really regret it. I only make $12 in tips today. But then again some nights I'll walk out with over a hundred. It just depends.

I watched "What About Bob" at Colin's last night. It was actually really funny. Dang I have nothing new to say. "War of the Worlds" was amazing. I really enjoyed it. I guess I'll go watch "Nightmare Before Christmas", nothing else to do.

Mon, 27 Jun 2005 03:23:19 GMT

This is for you Kris! Ice skating was fun...oh wait. Dangit Megan!

Sat, 25 Jun 2005 04:23:30 GMT

I'm back. Branson was a lot of fun. We went to White Water with Emily and her sisters. Then a little shopping, a little Olive Garden, and some R&R. It's been SO good not having to go to work. I am really dreading having to go in tomorrow. I work the long shift too...blah. Fayetteville was good. The orientation sucked; it was so bloody boring. But we had fun when we weren't forced to endure really dangerously happy people. I ended up declaring my major in International Relations. Then I want a minor in Middle East Studies but that'll depend on if I can handle Arabic. I have 16 hours on my schedule that I'm a little worried about. I have honors Comp1, western civ, geology and a lab, geography (emerging nations), and art history. I went to www.ratemyprofessors.com and found out some discouraging things about some of my professors. I suppose we'll just see how things go. I think class will be a welcome change to being a waitress.

Mon, 20 Jun 2005 03:57:47 GMT

Today at the Fern was so busy. Father's day killed me. But I averaged $15/hour which makes it worth it. So I came home and ate a pint of Bryers ice cream. Yum. Now, since I am sticky from spilling soda and smell like onion batter, fish, and bleach, I'm going to go take a long hot shower.

I'm leaving for Branson in the morning. Megan and I are going to stay with Emily and her famiy in their condo. Then I have to work on Tuesday but leave for Fayetteville for orientation on Wednesday. I'll be there until Friday so I get most of the week off, which is REALLY nice for a change. Well, I stink..

Thu, 16 Jun 2005 05:02:30 GMT

Today was really busy at the Fern. I worked the lunch shift by myself and it wore me out. Then, for some unexplainable reason, I felt it necessary to go running. So I ran about a mile and a half and then realized, "I'm really out of shape." Yeah well, what are you going to do? So I come home, took a shower, ate some cup cakes, and watched the end of "Big Fish." Of course I cry. So then I flip through some channels and I see the end of "My Girl." So of course I watch it and of course (just like always) I cry. So now I have mascara stains on my face and my eyes are swollen from the bloody movies and allergies. I feel like such a girl...

Yeah, tomorrow (well I guess today) I'm going to the lake with my parents. I haven't skied for two years and I want to see if I still can. I was getting pretty good on one but It's been a while. We'll see. Then I have to go to work instead of laying out on the lake all day, damn. I'm going to end up just buying Tim Burton's "Nightmare Before Christmas." I guess I'll do that sometime tomorrow. While I'm at Hastings I'll see about getting "Hitch." Dang my life is sad, it revolves around movies. Blah.

Mon, 13 Jun 2005 03:26:18 GMT

Well, I haven't been posting lately because work is now my life. The only day that I have off is Monday, and I have to get some shots tomorrow. eik. I'm going to go buy "Nightmare Before Christmas" because there's no place in town to rent it and I really want to see it again. Relationships with people are really weird right now. I'm feeling that I'm never going to see a lot of people again, and in some cases, I don't care. A particular someone called me the other day. I didn't answer because my phone was on silent. I thought about calling him back, but I know what he'd say: "I'm sorry I'll never hurt you again.." for the tenth time. I'd rather just never see or talk to him again so I won't have to go through that whole thing again. It just brings up way too many memories to even see him. I think I'm doing a lot better though. I ended up burning all the pictures that I have of him because I got tired of hiding them whenever I'd come across one. That makes things a little better...anyway, that's over. I'll miss him though.

I think that by the end of the summer I'm going to be super buff. My arms get a work out everytime I have to carry a tray full of plates to people. It's not much, but a lot more than I'm used to. I got to talk to Colin a lot today, which was nice. It's hard to talk to my friends much anymore with conflicting schedules and such. So that was really nice to see him again. Well, I'm just rambling....

Mon, 06 Jun 2005 02:49:54 GMT

I just got off work and my feet hurt. The Red Fern is going pretty well, except it's been really slow. And I have had a lot of cheap people. They're closed on Mondays so I'm driving up to Theadosha (sp?) with Emily. A friend rented a cabin for the week, but I can only make it up one day. I'm excited. I have always wanted to jet ski, but never had the chance. Dang, I have nothing else to say. My life is so boring...

Mon, 30 May 2005 02:10:02 GMT

Well, I graduated and didn't trip. After that I went to a friend's house and heard Stellar's Jay play which was great. Then I found out that Hardy's is open 24 hours, which was great too. My sister is here, and will not leave like I would like. Four years ago she took OUR Super Nintendo to college with her. Now I want it back. Well, apparently, I am responsible for reimbursing her for the games she has since bought. I disagreed, both my parents disagreed, but she's satan, so she got her way. And my parents are mad because I "can't compromise." Yeah sure, I'm paying her $20 and I can't freaking compromise. It became apparent to me that not once since she left for college have I ever missed her or was happy to see her. I go months at a time in complete bliss ignorant to the fact that I have a sibling. I can't wait until I go to college and I never have to see or talk to her again.

Yeah, they screwed me over again with no Family Guy on Fox. I suppose Nascar is more important. I mean, I love watching little cars going in a circle 300 times. Yeah, that's a lot of fun...

Sat, 21 May 2005 21:31:55 GMT

I'm about to leave for my first day working at The Red Fern. I'm nervous and my blouse is too big.